Social Suicide Part 2

Rule 1)
"Oh my God, last night was amazing! You should've been there, I was fucked, I drank-- (and here comes the social suicide) -- a bottle of wine, three double vodka and cokes, four shots of sambuka then on the way home had half a bottle of lambrini!!"
What exactly is it that these people are trying to prove? Are you trying to impress people? I don't find the list of things that you drank last night remotely impressive or interesting, in fact, I'm suspicious of how someone who claims to have drank so much and was "sooooo wasted" managed to recall every drink so vividly. I often think that if the night really was so amazing, then the things you'd be telling me about the next day would be funny drunken stories or mortifying recollections of the minger you pulled, not a step by step commentary through what you fucking drank.

Rule 2)
In my eyes, and in the eyes of all right thinking members of society, it is not acceptable for students to speak to lecturers unless the situation is completley unavoidable e.g. when asking a question that can not be found on the university website or when they speak to you first and there is no means of escape. Even then the conversation should never drift into personal territory where people ask (and I've seen it happen) "how was your weekend?" Cringe.
There are certain people who seem to make it their aim in life to befriend ageing teachers. They often laugh when the teacher makes a joke, which is mortifying not only because it makes them look like a geek, but also because it encourages the lecturer to continue attempting to inject "humour" into classes. They can only be identified by their ankles as the rest of their body is normally so far up their tutor's arse that they can no longer be seen.
Often they will have started a facebook group of appreciation to one of their 'favourite lecturers'. Joining such a group makes you part of the issue. These people need to be left alone, you can't help them until they realise that they have a problem.

Rule 3)
Technically, I am a man. However, being a gay man I tend to stereotypically identify more with a woman's mind than a mans'. I like Sex and the City and I don't like Top Gear. I enjoy the workings of Britney Spears and Madonna whereas the Red Hot Chilli Peppers bore me senseless. These kinds of differences are fine, variety is the spice of life. However, there is one example of men's behaviour that simply baffles me and makes me slightly ashamed to be a (kind of) man.
This behaviour is that on a night out, men find it highly hilarious to expose either their penises or their arses in public. Make no mistake, this is social suicide. Now, I'm no prude, there is a time and a place for a comedy flash or streak. Any sporting event, a library or even an exam if you're feeling particularily daring. All amusing, done with the right amount of style.
But eight times a night having to smile politley at the same fool who still thinks its funny to get his cock out in a bar can become tiring, particularily when the men that do this are never very attractive and the penises are never anything to write home about. If you have an especially impressively sized wang then by all means, show the world - it might get you a pull (or a criminal record) but please, if you are cursed with a cocktail sausage and you've had a few too many - try your best to keep it in. It just means that your personality is so bad you've had to resort to genitals to be interesting. Never something to be proud of.

Rule 4)
I touched upon the fact that I'm gay earlier, something which I'm proud to admit as gays have done a lot for the world. We made the theatre what it is, set the bar for good fashion and without us Princess Diana's funeral would've been quite the snoozefest (cheers Elton). This is why it annoys me when people are gay and can not admit it. I understand that it is difficult, I myself went through a phase of, ooh... I'd say about 5 minutes of denial before I realised it was too much like hard work. If you truly can't bring yourself to come out as the raging homo you are, then kindly cover it up well by firstly, not being camp, and secondly, not having sex with men.
It sounds ridiculous but many a time I've been in the company of a straight man who insists that he's not 'a fag' before he comes over to the dark side.
They usually follow a standard routine. It starts off with them saying, "You know, if you were a girl I definatley would."
Then they usually instigate some variety of play fight, very homo erotic. This allows them to have the man on man contact they so secretly crave under the guise of manly wrestling.
Before you know it, someone's getting rimmed (sorry to readers who find this offensive but shit happens).
You can spot a closet gay a mile off. They won't make eye contact with out gay men and usually pretend to have a problem with it, they constantly point out which women they would do but never seem to gte round to actually doing any of them. They lost their virginity on holiday when they were 16 to a really pretty girl but there were no witnesses to this.
Keep an eye out. And then send them my number (kidding!)

Rule 5)
It is social suicide to create a blog then write regular posts telling people how they should behave. Who the fuck do people like this think they--- oops...