The facebook etiquette rules seem to have gone down quite controversially, sorry to all you LOL lovers and application addicts, no harm intended. Looking at the positive though, I have seen a vast improvement in the calibre of peoples' statuses since it went up and people have stopped sending me such a large number of applications. I've decided to attribute all credit directly towards my blog. Which got me to thinking, if my wordly wisdom could help people improve their facebook behaviour, imagine what it could do for people in real life!
So here's my compilation of rules for students who don't want to commit social suicide in every day life. I know most of the things to avoid as at some point on my twenty years on this earth I've committed most of them myself. Read without prejudice.
Rule one:
Double denim. Unless you are in a B*witched tribute band (in which case, social suicide is clearly no longer an issue with you) double denim is the social eqivalent of throwing yourself on top of helicopter propellers. This happens more than you'd think. The double denim that is, not the helicopter suicide, that hardly ever happens.
If you are the unfortunate owner of a denim jacket, make sure you either avoid jeans when throwing your outfit together or make sure you don't leave the house.
This is not, I repeat not one of the rules which I have flouted in the past. I have some respect.
Rule Two:
A common one. As a student you will most likely have an overdraft. If you do, and your balance is at £2.43 - you are not skint. You have hundreds of pounds in your overdraft. People who don't consider an overdraft money have a very special name. And that name is 'twat'.
The word 'skint' is reserved for those of us who are at the very bottom of our overdraft, and whose balance hasn't been positive since the days when Britney was still claiming to be a virgin.
Rule Three:
If you do drugs, or have tried drugs, don't think you are cool for doing it. We've all had our dabbles but it doesn't make you Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty. There is a certain type of person who does think they are cool for doing drugs. They usually refer to themselves as being into 'indie' music and attend Fuzz club. They get excited when they know of other people who've done drugs and then want to discuss it in great length. Cooler drug users I know are the ones who don't think its cool, they just enjoy it. They usually appreciate good cheesy music and go to Plug on a Thursday.
Rule Four:
Nobody will agree with me on this one so it shouldn't really be included, as technically its me who's committing social suicide by refusing to conform. But in my mind, watching Hollyoaks makes you an immature moron, and anyone who does so should cease immediatley. If you're going to cast actors purely based on looks and not talent, surely you can find people better looking than that lot? With acting more wooden than Pinocchio's erection and plots so implausible even Cheryl Cole wouldn't believe them (and this is the woman who believe's her husband when he says he won't cheat again), it is hands down, the worst thing on TV.
Rule Five:
I touched on this in the facebook rules but it applies to every day life too. Nobody cares how many essays you've got in. Nobody cares how many words you've done. Nobody cares how much you think you're going to fail the year. Stop talking about it, or essays will be your second biggest problem, your first will be having no friends.
This is merely part one of the rules, as there are too many for me to possibly cover in one night. If you are a regular breaker of any of them, it's quite important that you make a valiant effort to change the habit whilst there's still time. You don't want social suicide ruining the best years of your life.
God may forgive you, but I won't.
Tuesday 26 February 2008
Monday 25 February 2008
Football virgin
Well, I was going to do an article on the Oscars but no ammount of Pro Plus or fake enthusiam could force me to stay awake long enough to pretend I still cared about who won and who didn't. So, alternatively I'm going to change tone dramatically and write about.. football!
Now I won't pretend to be a big footy fan. The offside rule makes as much sense to me as the mystery of why Kerry Katona's still famous and to me Ashely Cole is merely someone who cheats on Cheryl Tweedy, nothing more.
However, tempted by the promise of a free pitcher of beer I agreed to watch the Carling Cup final with a few other non footy fans as my friend Annabelle is a Tottenham Hotspurs supporter (yes, that's right, apparantly girls can like football without being lesbians - who knew?) and wanted us to join her in cheering on the... em... whites? Gunners? Well, cheer them on anyway.
I started off watching the game with my usual approach, staring at the time and working out how long was left.
However, as the match proceeded I actually found myself getting into it. The Tottenham penalty given for a hand ball offence, the Chelsea free kick that saw the pub I was in consumed with the kind of deafening silence usually reserved for Lenny Henry comedy shows, and then the extra time that where the Spurs scored their victory goal and the pub erupted into celebrations. I was jumping around excitedly, not really sure why but enjoying the fun of getting caught up in the moment.
For the first time ever I kind of saw the appeal of football. Until then I had it in my list of things that the world would be better without, also including Richard Maedly, BT phone operators, Hollyoaks and the Black Eyed Peas. Now I'm not saying I'm going to be joining a sunday side any time soon, or rioting with some chav in the street about who's a bigger wanker - a Man Utd fan or Hitler. But I think I can safely say that I am now partial to the odd final, so long as there's a nice pitcher of beer there to help me through.
Beats the fucking Oscars anyway.
Now I won't pretend to be a big footy fan. The offside rule makes as much sense to me as the mystery of why Kerry Katona's still famous and to me Ashely Cole is merely someone who cheats on Cheryl Tweedy, nothing more.
However, tempted by the promise of a free pitcher of beer I agreed to watch the Carling Cup final with a few other non footy fans as my friend Annabelle is a Tottenham Hotspurs supporter (yes, that's right, apparantly girls can like football without being lesbians - who knew?) and wanted us to join her in cheering on the... em... whites? Gunners? Well, cheer them on anyway.
I started off watching the game with my usual approach, staring at the time and working out how long was left.
However, as the match proceeded I actually found myself getting into it. The Tottenham penalty given for a hand ball offence, the Chelsea free kick that saw the pub I was in consumed with the kind of deafening silence usually reserved for Lenny Henry comedy shows, and then the extra time that where the Spurs scored their victory goal and the pub erupted into celebrations. I was jumping around excitedly, not really sure why but enjoying the fun of getting caught up in the moment.
For the first time ever I kind of saw the appeal of football. Until then I had it in my list of things that the world would be better without, also including Richard Maedly, BT phone operators, Hollyoaks and the Black Eyed Peas. Now I'm not saying I'm going to be joining a sunday side any time soon, or rioting with some chav in the street about who's a bigger wanker - a Man Utd fan or Hitler. But I think I can safely say that I am now partial to the odd final, so long as there's a nice pitcher of beer there to help me through.
Beats the fucking Oscars anyway.
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Facebook for dummies
My friends and I are thinking of writing a book about the ins and outs of facebook, discussing how it has such a strong hold over student life and providing a guide as to how to use it effectively without committing social suicide. However, we are on facebook far too much to find the time to write this book, so a blog entry will just have to do.
Firstly, I must start with the aspect of facebook which people seem to find the most difficult; statuses. Unfortunatley, this is also the aspect where social suicide is most easily committed.
Here are a few of the rules we decided upon:
1) LOL, LMAO and OMG have no place on a status. In fact, apart from in the 90s, they have no place anywhere.
2) An easy mistake to make is to think that people give a shit how much you drank last night. The following are the most common offences: "Joe Bloggs... shouldn't drink again.... can't believe how much he drank last night.... is sooo hungover.... is thinking that last apple sourz was a bad idea - LOL (see rule 1)..... was fucked but loved it!"
All unacceptable.
3) During revison period, a big no no is persistantly reminding the world and his dog (assuming his dog has a facebook account, lets face it, who doesn't?) about how much revision you have been, or should be, doing. Informing people you've done loads makes them feel bad that they haven't. Informing people you've done none makes you look like your trying to appear cool when the likelihood is that you haven't had your nose out of those revision notes all weekend. Either way you're screwed so its best to avoid the area completley.
4) Venting anger, sadness or any negative emotion via your status can be very dangerous territory. I'll admit, I've fallen foul of this one myself a few times. However, if your feeling furious or blue, its best to log out and step away from the computer. Staying could result in the following horrors: "Joe Bloggs .... is wishing it would all go away.... is close to the end.... thought he knew who his friends were.... is lonley". Girls, you too - "Josephine Bloggs..... hates men..... is feeling depressed.... needs a hug".
The exceptions to this rule are if you are a) suffering from genuine depression or b) you're an EMO. Spot the difference?
Avoid these pot holes and you should be OK. Read on for tips on a good status:
1) Music lyrics can always make for an interesting status. Particularily if its a fairly obscure song thats personal to you but will provoke intrigue and wonder from others. Rifle through your ipod, there'll be many a status gem awaiting! This doesn't apply if you happen to have a lot of songs containing words such as 'LOL' 'OMG' and 'LMFAO'. Once again, see Rule 1 of bad statuses.
2) Anything making light of big stories in the news and current events is a good way of showing that you're tuned in and that you are side splittingly hilarious. At the moment, jokes about Jeremy Beadle's death or Ashley Cole's infidelity would be good, so long as they don't border on offensive (which they nearly always do).
3) If you have no imagination or natural status creating ability, don't be afraid to go without one, its better people think your mysterious than mortifying.
Now, enough of statuses, onto applications. This can be social suicide when you go onto someone's profile to post something, or for a casual facebook stalk, only to find you have to waste about half an hour scrolling down miles upon miles of mortifying applications. You are sending out a very clear message by doing this: either you have no friends, or you have a broken leg and are confined to your bedroom. Go easy on them. You have years ahead of you to add applications, don't scar your profile with so much shite, you're still young!
And while we're at it, don't be someone who sends a million application requests a day that innocent people like me have to waste time going through and rejecting. No, I don't want to be a fucking vampire, or play facebook poker or scrabble or anything!! You may as well be sending out the 'I have no life' application.
Lastly, but I feel, most importantly - don't poke. It means you have nothing interesting to say. Its only appropriate from strangers who are letting you know that they either want to sleep with you, or they want you to add their 'will you sleep with me?' application. Not sure which is worse but avoid both.
And remember, facebook stalking is like pooing. Everybody does it. But no one talks about it.
Facebook wisely friends, facebook wisely.
Firstly, I must start with the aspect of facebook which people seem to find the most difficult; statuses. Unfortunatley, this is also the aspect where social suicide is most easily committed.
Here are a few of the rules we decided upon:
1) LOL, LMAO and OMG have no place on a status. In fact, apart from in the 90s, they have no place anywhere.
2) An easy mistake to make is to think that people give a shit how much you drank last night. The following are the most common offences: "Joe Bloggs... shouldn't drink again.... can't believe how much he drank last night.... is sooo hungover.... is thinking that last apple sourz was a bad idea - LOL (see rule 1)..... was fucked but loved it!"
All unacceptable.
3) During revison period, a big no no is persistantly reminding the world and his dog (assuming his dog has a facebook account, lets face it, who doesn't?) about how much revision you have been, or should be, doing. Informing people you've done loads makes them feel bad that they haven't. Informing people you've done none makes you look like your trying to appear cool when the likelihood is that you haven't had your nose out of those revision notes all weekend. Either way you're screwed so its best to avoid the area completley.
4) Venting anger, sadness or any negative emotion via your status can be very dangerous territory. I'll admit, I've fallen foul of this one myself a few times. However, if your feeling furious or blue, its best to log out and step away from the computer. Staying could result in the following horrors: "Joe Bloggs .... is wishing it would all go away.... is close to the end.... thought he knew who his friends were.... is lonley". Girls, you too - "Josephine Bloggs..... hates men..... is feeling depressed.... needs a hug".
The exceptions to this rule are if you are a) suffering from genuine depression or b) you're an EMO. Spot the difference?
Avoid these pot holes and you should be OK. Read on for tips on a good status:
1) Music lyrics can always make for an interesting status. Particularily if its a fairly obscure song thats personal to you but will provoke intrigue and wonder from others. Rifle through your ipod, there'll be many a status gem awaiting! This doesn't apply if you happen to have a lot of songs containing words such as 'LOL' 'OMG' and 'LMFAO'. Once again, see Rule 1 of bad statuses.
2) Anything making light of big stories in the news and current events is a good way of showing that you're tuned in and that you are side splittingly hilarious. At the moment, jokes about Jeremy Beadle's death or Ashley Cole's infidelity would be good, so long as they don't border on offensive (which they nearly always do).
3) If you have no imagination or natural status creating ability, don't be afraid to go without one, its better people think your mysterious than mortifying.
Now, enough of statuses, onto applications. This can be social suicide when you go onto someone's profile to post something, or for a casual facebook stalk, only to find you have to waste about half an hour scrolling down miles upon miles of mortifying applications. You are sending out a very clear message by doing this: either you have no friends, or you have a broken leg and are confined to your bedroom. Go easy on them. You have years ahead of you to add applications, don't scar your profile with so much shite, you're still young!
And while we're at it, don't be someone who sends a million application requests a day that innocent people like me have to waste time going through and rejecting. No, I don't want to be a fucking vampire, or play facebook poker or scrabble or anything!! You may as well be sending out the 'I have no life' application.
Lastly, but I feel, most importantly - don't poke. It means you have nothing interesting to say. Its only appropriate from strangers who are letting you know that they either want to sleep with you, or they want you to add their 'will you sleep with me?' application. Not sure which is worse but avoid both.
And remember, facebook stalking is like pooing. Everybody does it. But no one talks about it.
Facebook wisely friends, facebook wisely.
The Brits.
I often find it's not until award season rolls around that you realise what a shit year its been. The Brits tonight confirmed for me that 2007 was pretty poor, particularily for true lovers of pop like me.
However, there were many valuable lessons to be learnt from the Brits in spite of this.
Firstly, that Vic Reeves stopped being funny in the 90s and shouldn't be allowed on TV, apart from on UK Gold for occassional repeats of Shooting Stars.
Secondly, as new starlet Adele undeniably proved, black isn't always slimming. And neither is standing in between Fearn Cotten and Mika. Just a tip.
One highlight though was the sensational return of Amy Winehouse and her sobriety. My friend Katie was sure that Amy's performance looked like that of a woman who was still using, due to her jittery movements and the fact she was shakey on her legs. I though, ever the first to hope for the best in folk, put it down to her trying to stand on those big ol' heels whilst also balancing that beast of a beehive.
Even a big Winehouse fan like me though can find it hard to forgive the fact she played her part in inflicting Mark Ronson on our radios. A man who's accent is almost as baffling as the fact that people actually buy "his" records. I'm very tempted to make an attempt for recognition myself following his steps:
Get a cheap recording system, invite the first woman with any sign of talent to warble a song by some dull band from whichever record is currently being called 'the best album since Definatley Maybe', add horns, and see if its me standing on the stage next year accepting 'my' Brit. Watch this space.
Another few frustrations:
Why are Take That winning awards and getting nominations for a song and an album that were released before last years Brits? Was 2007 that rubbish that we've had to recycle boy band excrement from the year before? And when Take That are 50 year old wrinklies shuffling about on stage to 'Relight my fire' will unimaginative ITV1 presenters still be calling them the 'comeback kings'? Yes they're back, get over it. My ears have had to. Leona should have got best single over them. Her performance of 'Bleeding Love' was sensational. Bet last years X factor winner was sitting at home watching and crapping himself. His name was Leon by the way, for those who've already forgotten.
More outrageous still was the absence of Britney in tonights nominations. I grudgingly accept as a hardcore Britney fan that there are some places Britney shouldn't be. Within 100ft of a nursery for example. However the Brits should have aknowledged the fact that in spite of sex, drugs and Kevin Federline she still managed to make the best pop album of 2007 by far.
Yet the ceremony has its head so far up Kylie's pert little arse it was almost poking out of her botox filled face. I didn't realise they gave out Brits for beating breast cancer. Yes, we all love Kylie, but awards should be reserved for people making good music, not people who just spend all day copying Madonna and reassuring their little sister that she'll "make it one day". Give it up Danni, shagging Simon Cowell isn't a music career.
I'll try and look at positives for our most prestigious music ceremony though. I liked the choice of hosts, the Osbournes are always fun. For once though, Ozzy was the most coherent, as Sharon and Kelly seemed to get on as well with the autocue as Beth Ditto gets on with the Atkins Diet. Loved Sharon proudly claiming that Bingo adds paid for her dress. God knows what paid for her cosmetic surgery. A big lottery win? I can only assume.
Am glad Kate Nash won something as well. I'd say 'Foundations' was the British track of the year and the album's amazing. Hope none of the other nominees in the best Female category were too bit-tah about the fact that The Brits at least decided one worthy winner would be quite appropriate.
Ok, being positive didn't last, how boring are the Kaiser Chiefs? Recreating the video for 'Ruby' just reminds us of what a pointless act they are. Would rather that slot had been filled with a few more of Vic Reeve's 'jokes', at least it would have given the tumbleweed something to do.
The Foo Fighters albums are also getting steadily worse so God knows why praise for them continues to grow. Recognition from The Brits is slightly like the hosts with their lines, trying to keep up but always that bit behind.
Can't really argue with the continued success of the Artcic Monkeys at these bashes, and wouldn't really want to argue with them after the ammount of free booze they seemed to have necked judging by their speeches. Don't reckon they'll be looking too good on the dancefloor tonight. I like the thought of Alexa Chung holding back Alex Turners hair at the end of the night though as he voms up the nights champagne. Such a cool couple. Like Pete and Kate but without the drugs. So far. With Ozzy and Winehouse backstage who knows who'll be gracing the front page of tomorrow's Sun with the headline '******'s DRUGS SHAME. My money's on Mark Owen. It's always the quiet ones.
Hopes for 2008's Brits:
Britney performs a beautiful ballad in rememberance of the 'tragic' death of The Kaisers. Possibly after being crushed by Ricky Wilson's enormous ego.
Someone wins best single for covering one of Mark Ronson's songs and coughing at the end of it to mark a difference.
Madonna performs, bringing one of her best iconic costumes out from the closet in honour. And pulls Mika out too whilst she's there.
Paul McCartney has to get the bus to next years ceremony due to having his bank balance wiped out by Heather Mills, then sells his Special Achievement gong to Robbie Williams to afford bar snacks whilst there. Robbie's only too happy to chip up the cash as lets face it, after Rudebox, thats the closest he's gonna get to that award.
Failing all that, if 2008's music scene is anything like last years, I can always switch off next year, pop on UK Gold and chuckle along to Vic Reeves back before he became a mortifying mess.
However, there were many valuable lessons to be learnt from the Brits in spite of this.
Firstly, that Vic Reeves stopped being funny in the 90s and shouldn't be allowed on TV, apart from on UK Gold for occassional repeats of Shooting Stars.
Secondly, as new starlet Adele undeniably proved, black isn't always slimming. And neither is standing in between Fearn Cotten and Mika. Just a tip.
One highlight though was the sensational return of Amy Winehouse and her sobriety. My friend Katie was sure that Amy's performance looked like that of a woman who was still using, due to her jittery movements and the fact she was shakey on her legs. I though, ever the first to hope for the best in folk, put it down to her trying to stand on those big ol' heels whilst also balancing that beast of a beehive.
Even a big Winehouse fan like me though can find it hard to forgive the fact she played her part in inflicting Mark Ronson on our radios. A man who's accent is almost as baffling as the fact that people actually buy "his" records. I'm very tempted to make an attempt for recognition myself following his steps:
Get a cheap recording system, invite the first woman with any sign of talent to warble a song by some dull band from whichever record is currently being called 'the best album since Definatley Maybe', add horns, and see if its me standing on the stage next year accepting 'my' Brit. Watch this space.
Another few frustrations:
Why are Take That winning awards and getting nominations for a song and an album that were released before last years Brits? Was 2007 that rubbish that we've had to recycle boy band excrement from the year before? And when Take That are 50 year old wrinklies shuffling about on stage to 'Relight my fire' will unimaginative ITV1 presenters still be calling them the 'comeback kings'? Yes they're back, get over it. My ears have had to. Leona should have got best single over them. Her performance of 'Bleeding Love' was sensational. Bet last years X factor winner was sitting at home watching and crapping himself. His name was Leon by the way, for those who've already forgotten.
More outrageous still was the absence of Britney in tonights nominations. I grudgingly accept as a hardcore Britney fan that there are some places Britney shouldn't be. Within 100ft of a nursery for example. However the Brits should have aknowledged the fact that in spite of sex, drugs and Kevin Federline she still managed to make the best pop album of 2007 by far.
Yet the ceremony has its head so far up Kylie's pert little arse it was almost poking out of her botox filled face. I didn't realise they gave out Brits for beating breast cancer. Yes, we all love Kylie, but awards should be reserved for people making good music, not people who just spend all day copying Madonna and reassuring their little sister that she'll "make it one day". Give it up Danni, shagging Simon Cowell isn't a music career.
I'll try and look at positives for our most prestigious music ceremony though. I liked the choice of hosts, the Osbournes are always fun. For once though, Ozzy was the most coherent, as Sharon and Kelly seemed to get on as well with the autocue as Beth Ditto gets on with the Atkins Diet. Loved Sharon proudly claiming that Bingo adds paid for her dress. God knows what paid for her cosmetic surgery. A big lottery win? I can only assume.
Am glad Kate Nash won something as well. I'd say 'Foundations' was the British track of the year and the album's amazing. Hope none of the other nominees in the best Female category were too bit-tah about the fact that The Brits at least decided one worthy winner would be quite appropriate.
Ok, being positive didn't last, how boring are the Kaiser Chiefs? Recreating the video for 'Ruby' just reminds us of what a pointless act they are. Would rather that slot had been filled with a few more of Vic Reeve's 'jokes', at least it would have given the tumbleweed something to do.
The Foo Fighters albums are also getting steadily worse so God knows why praise for them continues to grow. Recognition from The Brits is slightly like the hosts with their lines, trying to keep up but always that bit behind.
Can't really argue with the continued success of the Artcic Monkeys at these bashes, and wouldn't really want to argue with them after the ammount of free booze they seemed to have necked judging by their speeches. Don't reckon they'll be looking too good on the dancefloor tonight. I like the thought of Alexa Chung holding back Alex Turners hair at the end of the night though as he voms up the nights champagne. Such a cool couple. Like Pete and Kate but without the drugs. So far. With Ozzy and Winehouse backstage who knows who'll be gracing the front page of tomorrow's Sun with the headline '******'s DRUGS SHAME. My money's on Mark Owen. It's always the quiet ones.
Hopes for 2008's Brits:
Britney performs a beautiful ballad in rememberance of the 'tragic' death of The Kaisers. Possibly after being crushed by Ricky Wilson's enormous ego.
Someone wins best single for covering one of Mark Ronson's songs and coughing at the end of it to mark a difference.
Madonna performs, bringing one of her best iconic costumes out from the closet in honour. And pulls Mika out too whilst she's there.
Paul McCartney has to get the bus to next years ceremony due to having his bank balance wiped out by Heather Mills, then sells his Special Achievement gong to Robbie Williams to afford bar snacks whilst there. Robbie's only too happy to chip up the cash as lets face it, after Rudebox, thats the closest he's gonna get to that award.
Failing all that, if 2008's music scene is anything like last years, I can always switch off next year, pop on UK Gold and chuckle along to Vic Reeves back before he became a mortifying mess.
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