The Gay Test

In today's mixed up world where genders change as frequently as the Sugababe's line up and anyone who's anyone is bisexual, how are folk meant to know if they're gay or just a bit curious? It's hard, I know, so to make it easier, I've compiled a gay test. This one's just for the men - sorry girls, but if you're at all confused just open your wardrobe. If there are any pairs of dungarees in there then you have your answer. For men it's more complicated, and so to the test. Answer honestly.

1)Look at your top ten favourite CDs. Each CD can fall into one of four categories. Cateogory A is for heavy metal, indie, rap, hip hop and singer/songwriters no ones ever heard of. Category B is for boy bands, girl bands, mixed bands (e.g. Steps), female pop stars and musicals. Category C is for country, rnb and dance music. Category D is for jazz. Category D isn't an indicator of sexuality, I just thought it was unfair for the other genres to have to be lumped in with jazz.

Now, if you're category is 50% Category B or more, you have 10 G points.

25% up to 50% Category B: 5 G points.

10% up to 25% Category B: 1 G point.

You still with me? Good. A G point is a Gay point, as I'm sure you'll have gathered. The more you get the gayer you are. Believe me I should know, I'm practically made of G points.

50% Category A or more: Have 10 S points, go on, treat yourself.

S points cancel out G points, so technically if your CD top ten was made up of 5 metallica and 5 Spice Girls, you'd be even stevens. Technically...

2) The yes or no round.

Did you cry at Titanic?

Do you own a trilby?

Can you name all 4 Sex and the City ladies?

Did you spend most of your PE lessons in High School faking injuries?

Do you drink funky cocktails and hate bitter?

Do you ever use the word 'fabulous?'

Do you prefer 'Will and Grace' to 'Friends'?

Do you know the dance routine to 5,6,7,8?

Do you hate: the Matrix, Star Wars and Doctor Who?

Do you have sex with men?

The last one may be a bit subtle, but overall I think it's quite clear that a yes constitutes a G point. A No constitutes an S point. Tot em up.

3)
True or False

* Your friends are mainly women

* You check your hair constantly

* The Britney Spears official fansite is listed on your labtop under 'favourites'

* You are or have been: a vegetarian, a self harmer and pillhead

* To you the FA stands for how much interest you give it. Fuck All.

* You read Heat

* You love to do Karaoke, you do a great 'It's raining men'

* You don't wear pink

* You would rather spend the day with Madonna than Superman

* You think girls are really lucky because they get to wear make-up and wear high heels

Same as the yes/no, but this time a true is a G point and a false is an S point.

We've come to the end of this highly ridiculous, highly offensive, but highly accurate quiz.

There are 30 G points available, likewise there are 30 S points. The score can range from -30 (you're James Bond with a beard) to +30 (you're Alan Carr with a feather boa).

If you find yourself around 0 which you probably will if you were confused enough to take the test, then this means you're perfectly normal, but should probably shag a guy soon just to be sure. You know where I am.