So here are the rules on how to use your mobile communication device in a socially acceptable way:
1) Ringtones.
Many a journey has been ruined for me because of people with annoying ring tones. Thankfully, the days of the detestable Crazy Frog are behind us, but we're not out of the water just yet. Good songs as ringtones will only cause you to start to hate the song you once loved, and annoying songs as ringtones will cause you to die a little inside with each play. Both can be avoided by keeping it simple, and having the old beeping ones of the late nineties. Call me old fashioned, but I've got a feeling that soon they'll be old enough to be described as 'retro', then all who've taken my advice will be seen as trail blazers in the eyes of their out of touch friends who still have In Da Club as their ringtone.
2) Chain messages.
"Send this message to ten people and an angel will send you eternal happiness" or something as equally nauseating. Anyone dumb enough and bored enough to partake in such irritating behaviour shouldn't be allowed a phone, and should count themselves lucky that they somehow have ten friends in their phonebook when clearly they are far too mortifying for social consumption.
3) Gigglers.
We all have that friend who does that huge, fake laugh after recieveing text messages - that laugh that practically gets on the floor and begs you to ask them what the message was. This can only be combatted with a strict policy of never humouring these people. You must be strong, sit very still and remain quiet at all times as they roll around in hysterics. If it really was that funny, they'd tell you. Equally annoying is when these people aren't laughing, but instead are making even less subtle comments alluding to the desperation for you to ask.
"Oh my God, I really can't believe that."
Remain quiet.
"That is unbelieveable!"
Silence is golden.
" Seriously, I can not belieeeve what he's just sent me!"
"What did he send you?"
DAMN you've cracked and given the attention seeking buffoon what s/he wanted (usually 'she' - sorry girls) and now they'll proceed to tell you what the message was and it'll turn out to be mind numbingly boring and will make you kick yourself for not sticking to your guns. It's the only way they'll learn.
4) Rude bastards.
Some people, again - its mainly the girls, do not know how to behave in company, and think that once their phone has rung that the whole world around them just stopped to wait for them to finish. If you're out to lunch with someone, ignore your phone, unless its an emergency. You can speak to your Mum later. If you really can't obey this than at least answer and briefly explain that you'll speak later. Don't leave your friend sitting their like a doughnut for half an hour whilst you natter away, occassionally saying "I should go, I'm being anti-social" - which forces you to give a smile that says "No, its Ok, I'm fine sitting here pretending to read the menu for the 80th time", leading them then to think that they can continue for even longer! Your friends do mind that you do it, and whilst your on the phone rabitting on they're secretly fantasising about killing you. Just so you know.
5) Slow texters.
I won't insult this condition, as it's not rudeness, it's more of a retardation which shouldn't be mocked. However, if you do have this affliction - keep your texts to time slots when you are alone. The retardation tends to also come with the syndrome of not being able to do anything else whilst you are concentrating hard on your text. You could go up to someone with this syndrome mid text and set yourself on fire whilst doing the river dance and they probably wouldn't notice. So if you are friends with someone with the retardation, this means that during the half hour period they take to send a message, you may as well be on your own if you were meant to be spending time with them. I myself am able to text at a million word a second speed, as well as having the multi tasking abilities to hold a conversation, make dinner and cure cancer whilst doing it - and I do count myself lucky, but this doesn't mean slow, social texters should be tolerated.
6) TB
Not the fatal disease that makes you cough up blood, no, faar worse than that. Obviously this is the abbreviation for 'text back' - and it's not its useage that I particularily have a problem with (though it is a bit dated). It is instead a reference to certain people who constantly text and put TB in an effort to force you to reply, even though they've not asked a question or said anything worth replying to.
"I'm watching TV, might go to bed soon. TB luv
What am I supposed to text back to that?! You are boring and not worth the finger energy, stop texting me!
Some people see phones as a way of giving the world a constant commentary of their lives. This means when you meet up with that person they have usually forgotten the three thousnad messages they sent you since your last meeting and then tell you every little detail again. It is an awful way to be, and will result in court orders and mass friendship losses.
This one may need a Part 2, as I have plenty more to say on the matter. I will have to stop now though as thinking about people who committ these offences is making my blood boil.
To be continued.
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