My friends and I are thinking of writing a book about the ins and outs of facebook, discussing how it has such a strong hold over student life and providing a guide as to how to use it effectively without committing social suicide. However, we are on facebook far too much to find the time to write this book, so a blog entry will just have to do.
Firstly, I must start with the aspect of facebook which people seem to find the most difficult; statuses. Unfortunatley, this is also the aspect where social suicide is most easily committed.
Here are a few of the rules we decided upon:
1) LOL, LMAO and OMG have no place on a status. In fact, apart from in the 90s, they have no place anywhere.
2) An easy mistake to make is to think that people give a shit how much you drank last night. The following are the most common offences: "Joe Bloggs... shouldn't drink again.... can't believe how much he drank last night.... is sooo hungover.... is thinking that last apple sourz was a bad idea - LOL (see rule 1)..... was fucked but loved it!"
All unacceptable.
3) During revison period, a big no no is persistantly reminding the world and his dog (assuming his dog has a facebook account, lets face it, who doesn't?) about how much revision you have been, or should be, doing. Informing people you've done loads makes them feel bad that they haven't. Informing people you've done none makes you look like your trying to appear cool when the likelihood is that you haven't had your nose out of those revision notes all weekend. Either way you're screwed so its best to avoid the area completley.
4) Venting anger, sadness or any negative emotion via your status can be very dangerous territory. I'll admit, I've fallen foul of this one myself a few times. However, if your feeling furious or blue, its best to log out and step away from the computer. Staying could result in the following horrors: "Joe Bloggs .... is wishing it would all go away.... is close to the end.... thought he knew who his friends were.... is lonley". Girls, you too - "Josephine Bloggs..... hates men..... is feeling depressed.... needs a hug".
The exceptions to this rule are if you are a) suffering from genuine depression or b) you're an EMO. Spot the difference?
Avoid these pot holes and you should be OK. Read on for tips on a good status:
1) Music lyrics can always make for an interesting status. Particularily if its a fairly obscure song thats personal to you but will provoke intrigue and wonder from others. Rifle through your ipod, there'll be many a status gem awaiting! This doesn't apply if you happen to have a lot of songs containing words such as 'LOL' 'OMG' and 'LMFAO'. Once again, see Rule 1 of bad statuses.
2) Anything making light of big stories in the news and current events is a good way of showing that you're tuned in and that you are side splittingly hilarious. At the moment, jokes about Jeremy Beadle's death or Ashley Cole's infidelity would be good, so long as they don't border on offensive (which they nearly always do).
3) If you have no imagination or natural status creating ability, don't be afraid to go without one, its better people think your mysterious than mortifying.
Now, enough of statuses, onto applications. This can be social suicide when you go onto someone's profile to post something, or for a casual facebook stalk, only to find you have to waste about half an hour scrolling down miles upon miles of mortifying applications. You are sending out a very clear message by doing this: either you have no friends, or you have a broken leg and are confined to your bedroom. Go easy on them. You have years ahead of you to add applications, don't scar your profile with so much shite, you're still young!
And while we're at it, don't be someone who sends a million application requests a day that innocent people like me have to waste time going through and rejecting. No, I don't want to be a fucking vampire, or play facebook poker or scrabble or anything!! You may as well be sending out the 'I have no life' application.
Lastly, but I feel, most importantly - don't poke. It means you have nothing interesting to say. Its only appropriate from strangers who are letting you know that they either want to sleep with you, or they want you to add their 'will you sleep with me?' application. Not sure which is worse but avoid both.
And remember, facebook stalking is like pooing. Everybody does it. But no one talks about it.
Facebook wisely friends, facebook wisely.
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1 comment:
Thank goodness someone has finally written this, people have to be told.
When you say friends I think you mean, Katie Innes and Annabelle Lee: The co-writers of the soon to be released 'Facebook Etiquette' official book and beauty queens.
A couple of things to add:
1. Relationship status'- unless you are actually married to your friend, please don't put it. It's not funny and an obvious indication that you are sad and single. Proudly leaving it as single if you actually are shows that you are comfortble with this and are too busy playing the field to care.
2. Music interests- This is not an opportuntity to list in alpahabetical order the Indie section of your iTunes. Also I know that everyone loves Britney.
3. Profile photos- this has opened a can of worms, there are many rules.
a. Do not hold a camera at arms length and post as your profile photograph. So you look hot but everyone knows that it took an hour of hair and makeup, a flattering flash and 345 discarded attempts to get this half decent photo. Also people will assume that you are not attractive enough to be photographed in the normal way and need to do the above to prevent scaring children.
b. Do not have a photo of you in a big group. So you are popular, horray. No one knows who you are in the photo.
c. Never have a profile photo that is not you. People will assume that you are ugly.
4. Don't post the 'sexy as fuck truck' or 'bitch slap' on people's wall. It's mortifying.
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