In today's mixed up world where genders change as frequently as the Sugababe's line up and anyone who's anyone is bisexual, how are folk meant to know if they're gay or just a bit curious? It's hard, I know, so to make it easier, I've compiled a gay test. This one's just for the men - sorry girls, but if you're at all confused just open your wardrobe. If there are any pairs of dungarees in there then you have your answer. For men it's more complicated, and so to the test. Answer honestly.
1)Look at your top ten favourite CDs. Each CD can fall into one of four categories. Cateogory A is for heavy metal, indie, rap, hip hop and singer/songwriters no ones ever heard of. Category B is for boy bands, girl bands, mixed bands (e.g. Steps), female pop stars and musicals. Category C is for country, rnb and dance music. Category D is for jazz. Category D isn't an indicator of sexuality, I just thought it was unfair for the other genres to have to be lumped in with jazz.
Now, if you're category is 50% Category B or more, you have 10 G points.
25% up to 50% Category B: 5 G points.
10% up to 25% Category B: 1 G point.
You still with me? Good. A G point is a Gay point, as I'm sure you'll have gathered. The more you get the gayer you are. Believe me I should know, I'm practically made of G points.
50% Category A or more: Have 10 S points, go on, treat yourself.
S points cancel out G points, so technically if your CD top ten was made up of 5 metallica and 5 Spice Girls, you'd be even stevens. Technically...
2) The yes or no round.
Did you cry at Titanic?
Do you own a trilby?
Can you name all 4 Sex and the City ladies?
Did you spend most of your PE lessons in High School faking injuries?
Do you drink funky cocktails and hate bitter?
Do you ever use the word 'fabulous?'
Do you prefer 'Will and Grace' to 'Friends'?
Do you know the dance routine to 5,6,7,8?
Do you hate: the Matrix, Star Wars and Doctor Who?
Do you have sex with men?
The last one may be a bit subtle, but overall I think it's quite clear that a yes constitutes a G point. A No constitutes an S point. Tot em up.
3)
True or False* Your friends are mainly women
* You check your hair constantly
* The Britney Spears official fansite is listed on your labtop under 'favourites'
* You are or have been: a vegetarian, a self harmer and pillhead
* To you the FA stands for how much interest you give it. Fuck All.
* You read Heat
* You love to do Karaoke, you do a great 'It's raining men'
* You don't wear pink
* You would rather spend the day with Madonna than Superman
* You think girls are really lucky because they get to wear make-up and wear high heels
Same as the yes/no, but this time a true is a G point and a false is an S point.
We've come to the end of this highly ridiculous, highly offensive, but highly accurate quiz.
There are 30 G points available, likewise there are 30 S points. The score can range from -30 (you're James Bond with a beard) to +30 (you're Alan Carr with a feather boa).
If you find yourself around 0 which you probably will if you were confused enough to take the test, then this means you're perfectly normal, but should probably shag a guy soon just to be sure. You know where I am.
Tuesday, 1 April 2008
The Gay Test
Monday, 31 March 2008
The future of Eastenders is bright. The future of Eastenders is orange.
Tonight see's the return of one of Soap's greatest characters. The ginger whinger herself, Bianca Jackson/Butcher. And without sounding like a geriatric harping on at his bored grand children, it doesn't half take me back to the days when Eastender's was must see TV. I remember being on the edge of my seat as a youngster, watching Bianca cheat on gormless Rickaay with her Mother's orange boyfriend. These days on Eastenders it takes someone being buried alive to get your full attention. What changed? When did Eastender's stop being the addictive Soap that I grew up with? Remember its slogan back in the day? Everyone's talking about it. They've stopped using that now, and I don't think that's a coincidence.
Nowadays I only tune in for special occasions - Christmas, deaths and returns of big characters. Seems I'm not the only one who feels this way considering The Eastender's bosses have gone to great lengths over the last few years to lure back the characters that made it's heyday so special.
First it was Dirty Den, making a "sensational" comeback from the dead. Maybe it was the scripts that needed bringing back from the dead, not that creepy, old perve. Still, it got them the temporary ratings boost they wanted. Then of course he had to be re-killed after Leslie Grantham, the actor who played him, was caught masturbating on webcam. They didn't call him Dirty Den for nothing..
Next it was the Mitchells that BBC bosses shelled out hundreds of thousands to get back. Did anyone even notice Grant coming back? And did anyone even notice that Phil had left? Heaven knows why the Eastender's bosses think of Phil Mitchell as such an integral part of the show. He's single handedly made subtitles necessary for all viewing of the show with his inaudible mumblings, yet is apparantly one of it's stars? Baffling.
And now we have Bianca. I'm interested to see what story they're going to use in order to plausibly bring her back considering she no longer has any family left in Walford. I wouldn't be surprised if they went all 'Dallas' on us and claimed the last five years had all been a dream sequence and that Bianca had in fact never left. After all, this is the Soap that has repeatedly expected us to believe that there are women out there who would fancy and even marry Ian Beale. Anything can happen.
I will be tuning in to see the return of one of my favourite characters, in spite of my critisisms. I'm just hoping they don't turn her into a charicature of what she was, having her screeching her infamous 'Rickaaaaaay!!!' every 5 minutes just because the script writers have run out of ideas. Maybe the problem is that instead of coming up with fresh characters and new story lines to entice viewers, bosses are instead being lazy and reaching for their wallets to get back old favourites when ratings are down.
As far as Patsy Palmer, the actress who plays Bianca, is concerned - I hope the return is successful and she can bring back a bit of the old Eastender's magic to the show. Assuming she manages to stay away from naughty webcam behaviour...
Nowadays I only tune in for special occasions - Christmas, deaths and returns of big characters. Seems I'm not the only one who feels this way considering The Eastender's bosses have gone to great lengths over the last few years to lure back the characters that made it's heyday so special.
First it was Dirty Den, making a "sensational" comeback from the dead. Maybe it was the scripts that needed bringing back from the dead, not that creepy, old perve. Still, it got them the temporary ratings boost they wanted. Then of course he had to be re-killed after Leslie Grantham, the actor who played him, was caught masturbating on webcam. They didn't call him Dirty Den for nothing..
Next it was the Mitchells that BBC bosses shelled out hundreds of thousands to get back. Did anyone even notice Grant coming back? And did anyone even notice that Phil had left? Heaven knows why the Eastender's bosses think of Phil Mitchell as such an integral part of the show. He's single handedly made subtitles necessary for all viewing of the show with his inaudible mumblings, yet is apparantly one of it's stars? Baffling.
And now we have Bianca. I'm interested to see what story they're going to use in order to plausibly bring her back considering she no longer has any family left in Walford. I wouldn't be surprised if they went all 'Dallas' on us and claimed the last five years had all been a dream sequence and that Bianca had in fact never left. After all, this is the Soap that has repeatedly expected us to believe that there are women out there who would fancy and even marry Ian Beale. Anything can happen.
I will be tuning in to see the return of one of my favourite characters, in spite of my critisisms. I'm just hoping they don't turn her into a charicature of what she was, having her screeching her infamous 'Rickaaaaaay!!!' every 5 minutes just because the script writers have run out of ideas. Maybe the problem is that instead of coming up with fresh characters and new story lines to entice viewers, bosses are instead being lazy and reaching for their wallets to get back old favourites when ratings are down.
As far as Patsy Palmer, the actress who plays Bianca, is concerned - I hope the return is successful and she can bring back a bit of the old Eastender's magic to the show. Assuming she manages to stay away from naughty webcam behaviour...
Sunday, 30 March 2008
What a load of bollocks
I consider myself a very tolerant person when it comes to people who do gross things. When watching a programme last week about a brother and sister that one day decided to start shagging, I was of the opinion that even though it was revolting, I thought they should legally not be punished for it. I also don't judge people too much for picking their nose in public. I understand that sometimes your mind can drift and you can forget that other people can see you (particularily when you're in a car). See? I'm very tolerant and understanding.
However, I witnessed a video on the internet last night that was so disgusting it made me despair for mankind. It's part of a series of internet videos called the 'Pain Olympics' where people hurt themselves on film, I assume to prove how big and clever they are. The one I saw (the first, and the last one I shall be seeing) was called Hatchet VS Penis. And fair play to it, it did what it said on the tin.
I think it was two different men, though it was hard to make out through the gaps in my hands - one of them sawing off his penis with a knife, and one of them butchering their scrotum with a small hatchet. Not family viewing, I'm sure you'll agree.
My friend (and I use the term loosely) informed me of this video, and being the curious journalist I am I had to see it. I assumed it would be fake but after seeing it I really can't think how someone could have managed to fake something like that.
Which brings me to what I consider a couple of very important questions: What kind of sick people do things like this, film it, then post it on the internet? And secondly, what kind of sick people watch it? Me apparantly, would be the shameful answer to the second one.
Clearly, there are deep, mental issues involved here, and I won't spend time thinking about what kind of mental issues drive someone to do this. Like World Poverty and Hollyoaks, these things are best left ignored.
But as a decent(ish) citizen I feel I have to use the example to question what the internet is doing to society. Anyone who's familiar with these cult internet videos will probably have witnessed the following things:
Two women shitting into eachother's mouths.
A woman being shagged by a horse (she later died)
A woman being shagged by a dog.
Nice. Is this what entertainment is becoming? I remember the days when me and my friends used to crowd around in the playground in junior school and quote South Park, thinking it was the rudest, coolest thing in the world. South Park might as well be Songs of Praise after what I saw last night.
Reading the comments that were left on the video for Hatchet VS Penis, it seems a lot of people out there think that what those men did was very cool too. They even seemed to get a lot of respect for what they had... achieved?
Fair enough, they did something that not a lot of people could do - but does that mean it warrants respect? I know I don't have the balls to do it. But now, neither do they. And surely the hindrance that the lack of a penis entails can't be worth the twisted admiration of an internet audience? They didn't even get famous from it as their faces didn't even appear in the video, as the camera was busy getting close up to the gruesome details.
If this is the way that entertainment is going, I'm afraid I'm not going to be onboard.
They're just going to get more and more disgusting as people try to outdo eachother, and I don't want to see who manages to top Hatchet VS Penis.
Anyone who reads this may be curious to see the video, but I won't be providing a link, as I really wouldn't recommend it. It actually made me vomit. However, if you're anything like me, curiosity will get the better of you and you'll watch it regardless. And to those of you who do, all I can say is.. sorry.
However, I witnessed a video on the internet last night that was so disgusting it made me despair for mankind. It's part of a series of internet videos called the 'Pain Olympics' where people hurt themselves on film, I assume to prove how big and clever they are. The one I saw (the first, and the last one I shall be seeing) was called Hatchet VS Penis. And fair play to it, it did what it said on the tin.
I think it was two different men, though it was hard to make out through the gaps in my hands - one of them sawing off his penis with a knife, and one of them butchering their scrotum with a small hatchet. Not family viewing, I'm sure you'll agree.
My friend (and I use the term loosely) informed me of this video, and being the curious journalist I am I had to see it. I assumed it would be fake but after seeing it I really can't think how someone could have managed to fake something like that.
Which brings me to what I consider a couple of very important questions: What kind of sick people do things like this, film it, then post it on the internet? And secondly, what kind of sick people watch it? Me apparantly, would be the shameful answer to the second one.
Clearly, there are deep, mental issues involved here, and I won't spend time thinking about what kind of mental issues drive someone to do this. Like World Poverty and Hollyoaks, these things are best left ignored.
But as a decent(ish) citizen I feel I have to use the example to question what the internet is doing to society. Anyone who's familiar with these cult internet videos will probably have witnessed the following things:
Two women shitting into eachother's mouths.
A woman being shagged by a horse (she later died)
A woman being shagged by a dog.
Nice. Is this what entertainment is becoming? I remember the days when me and my friends used to crowd around in the playground in junior school and quote South Park, thinking it was the rudest, coolest thing in the world. South Park might as well be Songs of Praise after what I saw last night.
Reading the comments that were left on the video for Hatchet VS Penis, it seems a lot of people out there think that what those men did was very cool too. They even seemed to get a lot of respect for what they had... achieved?
Fair enough, they did something that not a lot of people could do - but does that mean it warrants respect? I know I don't have the balls to do it. But now, neither do they. And surely the hindrance that the lack of a penis entails can't be worth the twisted admiration of an internet audience? They didn't even get famous from it as their faces didn't even appear in the video, as the camera was busy getting close up to the gruesome details.
If this is the way that entertainment is going, I'm afraid I'm not going to be onboard.
They're just going to get more and more disgusting as people try to outdo eachother, and I don't want to see who manages to top Hatchet VS Penis.
Anyone who reads this may be curious to see the video, but I won't be providing a link, as I really wouldn't recommend it. It actually made me vomit. However, if you're anything like me, curiosity will get the better of you and you'll watch it regardless. And to those of you who do, all I can say is.. sorry.
Monday, 17 March 2008
The Text Commandments
I often wonder if mobile phones will soon become a thing of the past. In the same way they replaced face to face conversation perhaps the internet will replace them. One day I imagine we will all just be cyborgs and interaction will become irrelevant, but until then I think a few guidelines on the equipment we have wouldn't go amiss.
So here are the rules on how to use your mobile communication device in a socially acceptable way:
1) Ringtones.
Many a journey has been ruined for me because of people with annoying ring tones. Thankfully, the days of the detestable Crazy Frog are behind us, but we're not out of the water just yet. Good songs as ringtones will only cause you to start to hate the song you once loved, and annoying songs as ringtones will cause you to die a little inside with each play. Both can be avoided by keeping it simple, and having the old beeping ones of the late nineties. Call me old fashioned, but I've got a feeling that soon they'll be old enough to be described as 'retro', then all who've taken my advice will be seen as trail blazers in the eyes of their out of touch friends who still have In Da Club as their ringtone.
2) Chain messages.
"Send this message to ten people and an angel will send you eternal happiness" or something as equally nauseating. Anyone dumb enough and bored enough to partake in such irritating behaviour shouldn't be allowed a phone, and should count themselves lucky that they somehow have ten friends in their phonebook when clearly they are far too mortifying for social consumption.
3) Gigglers.
We all have that friend who does that huge, fake laugh after recieveing text messages - that laugh that practically gets on the floor and begs you to ask them what the message was. This can only be combatted with a strict policy of never humouring these people. You must be strong, sit very still and remain quiet at all times as they roll around in hysterics. If it really was that funny, they'd tell you. Equally annoying is when these people aren't laughing, but instead are making even less subtle comments alluding to the desperation for you to ask.
"Oh my God, I really can't believe that."
Remain quiet.
"That is unbelieveable!"
Silence is golden.
" Seriously, I can not belieeeve what he's just sent me!"
"What did he send you?"
DAMN you've cracked and given the attention seeking buffoon what s/he wanted (usually 'she' - sorry girls) and now they'll proceed to tell you what the message was and it'll turn out to be mind numbingly boring and will make you kick yourself for not sticking to your guns. It's the only way they'll learn.
4) Rude bastards.
Some people, again - its mainly the girls, do not know how to behave in company, and think that once their phone has rung that the whole world around them just stopped to wait for them to finish. If you're out to lunch with someone, ignore your phone, unless its an emergency. You can speak to your Mum later. If you really can't obey this than at least answer and briefly explain that you'll speak later. Don't leave your friend sitting their like a doughnut for half an hour whilst you natter away, occassionally saying "I should go, I'm being anti-social" - which forces you to give a smile that says "No, its Ok, I'm fine sitting here pretending to read the menu for the 80th time", leading them then to think that they can continue for even longer! Your friends do mind that you do it, and whilst your on the phone rabitting on they're secretly fantasising about killing you. Just so you know.
5) Slow texters.
I won't insult this condition, as it's not rudeness, it's more of a retardation which shouldn't be mocked. However, if you do have this affliction - keep your texts to time slots when you are alone. The retardation tends to also come with the syndrome of not being able to do anything else whilst you are concentrating hard on your text. You could go up to someone with this syndrome mid text and set yourself on fire whilst doing the river dance and they probably wouldn't notice. So if you are friends with someone with the retardation, this means that during the half hour period they take to send a message, you may as well be on your own if you were meant to be spending time with them. I myself am able to text at a million word a second speed, as well as having the multi tasking abilities to hold a conversation, make dinner and cure cancer whilst doing it - and I do count myself lucky, but this doesn't mean slow, social texters should be tolerated.
6) TB
Not the fatal disease that makes you cough up blood, no, faar worse than that. Obviously this is the abbreviation for 'text back' - and it's not its useage that I particularily have a problem with (though it is a bit dated). It is instead a reference to certain people who constantly text and put TB in an effort to force you to reply, even though they've not asked a question or said anything worth replying to.
"I'm watching TV, might go to bed soon. TB luv"
What am I supposed to text back to that?! You are boring and not worth the finger energy, stop texting me!
Some people see phones as a way of giving the world a constant commentary of their lives. This means when you meet up with that person they have usually forgotten the three thousnad messages they sent you since your last meeting and then tell you every little detail again. It is an awful way to be, and will result in court orders and mass friendship losses.
This one may need a Part 2, as I have plenty more to say on the matter. I will have to stop now though as thinking about people who committ these offences is making my blood boil.
To be continued.
So here are the rules on how to use your mobile communication device in a socially acceptable way:
1) Ringtones.
Many a journey has been ruined for me because of people with annoying ring tones. Thankfully, the days of the detestable Crazy Frog are behind us, but we're not out of the water just yet. Good songs as ringtones will only cause you to start to hate the song you once loved, and annoying songs as ringtones will cause you to die a little inside with each play. Both can be avoided by keeping it simple, and having the old beeping ones of the late nineties. Call me old fashioned, but I've got a feeling that soon they'll be old enough to be described as 'retro', then all who've taken my advice will be seen as trail blazers in the eyes of their out of touch friends who still have In Da Club as their ringtone.
2) Chain messages.
"Send this message to ten people and an angel will send you eternal happiness" or something as equally nauseating. Anyone dumb enough and bored enough to partake in such irritating behaviour shouldn't be allowed a phone, and should count themselves lucky that they somehow have ten friends in their phonebook when clearly they are far too mortifying for social consumption.
3) Gigglers.
We all have that friend who does that huge, fake laugh after recieveing text messages - that laugh that practically gets on the floor and begs you to ask them what the message was. This can only be combatted with a strict policy of never humouring these people. You must be strong, sit very still and remain quiet at all times as they roll around in hysterics. If it really was that funny, they'd tell you. Equally annoying is when these people aren't laughing, but instead are making even less subtle comments alluding to the desperation for you to ask.
"Oh my God, I really can't believe that."
Remain quiet.
"That is unbelieveable!"
Silence is golden.
" Seriously, I can not belieeeve what he's just sent me!"
"What did he send you?"
DAMN you've cracked and given the attention seeking buffoon what s/he wanted (usually 'she' - sorry girls) and now they'll proceed to tell you what the message was and it'll turn out to be mind numbingly boring and will make you kick yourself for not sticking to your guns. It's the only way they'll learn.
4) Rude bastards.
Some people, again - its mainly the girls, do not know how to behave in company, and think that once their phone has rung that the whole world around them just stopped to wait for them to finish. If you're out to lunch with someone, ignore your phone, unless its an emergency. You can speak to your Mum later. If you really can't obey this than at least answer and briefly explain that you'll speak later. Don't leave your friend sitting their like a doughnut for half an hour whilst you natter away, occassionally saying "I should go, I'm being anti-social" - which forces you to give a smile that says "No, its Ok, I'm fine sitting here pretending to read the menu for the 80th time", leading them then to think that they can continue for even longer! Your friends do mind that you do it, and whilst your on the phone rabitting on they're secretly fantasising about killing you. Just so you know.
5) Slow texters.
I won't insult this condition, as it's not rudeness, it's more of a retardation which shouldn't be mocked. However, if you do have this affliction - keep your texts to time slots when you are alone. The retardation tends to also come with the syndrome of not being able to do anything else whilst you are concentrating hard on your text. You could go up to someone with this syndrome mid text and set yourself on fire whilst doing the river dance and they probably wouldn't notice. So if you are friends with someone with the retardation, this means that during the half hour period they take to send a message, you may as well be on your own if you were meant to be spending time with them. I myself am able to text at a million word a second speed, as well as having the multi tasking abilities to hold a conversation, make dinner and cure cancer whilst doing it - and I do count myself lucky, but this doesn't mean slow, social texters should be tolerated.
6) TB
Not the fatal disease that makes you cough up blood, no, faar worse than that. Obviously this is the abbreviation for 'text back' - and it's not its useage that I particularily have a problem with (though it is a bit dated). It is instead a reference to certain people who constantly text and put TB in an effort to force you to reply, even though they've not asked a question or said anything worth replying to.
"I'm watching TV, might go to bed soon. TB luv
What am I supposed to text back to that?! You are boring and not worth the finger energy, stop texting me!
Some people see phones as a way of giving the world a constant commentary of their lives. This means when you meet up with that person they have usually forgotten the three thousnad messages they sent you since your last meeting and then tell you every little detail again. It is an awful way to be, and will result in court orders and mass friendship losses.
This one may need a Part 2, as I have plenty more to say on the matter. I will have to stop now though as thinking about people who committ these offences is making my blood boil.
To be continued.
Thursday, 13 March 2008
It's Britney's Music Bitch
Who doesn't have an opinion on Britney Spears at the moment? She's like the human version of 9/11 -and we're all watching the nightmare unfold. Articles about the star have been done to death and all follow a pretty similar structure, referring to her as "troubled Britney Spears" so frequently it wouldn't surprise me if her friends and family start calling her that too out of habit. They all discuss how hard it is to believe that the girl who burst on to the scene in that iconic school girl's outfit could now be the woman who is involved in police stand offs and psychiatric care. One thing has been lost in the whole affair though (beside Britney's marbles) and that is the music. The great pop songs that are defining the noughties, and have been the background to our lives for almost ten years are now hardly mentioned amongst the media frenzy of Spears' train wreck of a life.
'Baby... one more time' is one of the most, if not the most, important pop song of our generation, and since then the hits have come thick and fast. Right up until the present day, where 'Piece of Me' comes on in a club people go wild for it - people may be sick to death of hearing about her - but they aren't sick of listening to her just yet. In my opinion her most recent album 'Blackout' has been her best to date. How exactly she managed to record this album, packed full of sizzling RnB anthems, whilst she was busy having a full time breakdown is a mystery that will intrigue popologists until the dawn of time, but this doesn't mean we shouldn't aknowledge it.
The third cut off the album 'Break the ice' will be released next month, and the video (which you can check out on youtube) is all in japanese animation. And we all know why. In it, we see an animated version of the Britney we all wish was still with us, fighting some bad guys in order to prevent an inevitable explosion. Perhaps intended to symbolise her contstant struggle against the media and those around her who control her. Or maybe a cop out so that she doesn't have to hit the gym, wash her hair and toss out a dance routine for the video herself. People will no doubt scrutinize it, but amongst the critisisms and speculations they will forgot to judge the song, which I predict will be burning up dancefloors within weeks.
To me Britney is still as relevant to music as she is to the tabloids. Any artist who can take the phenomenal interest that the world has in her and put the pain and frustration that comes with it fearlessly into her songs is creating the soundtrack to a fame hungry society - and isn't holding anything back.
"I'm Mrs Most likely to get on the TV for slipping on the street when getting the groceries, for real - are you kidding me? No wonder there's panic in this industry I mean please... do you want a piece of me?"
You tell 'em Brit.
One day the events that trail Britney's tragic life will be a thing of the past, saved only for those shitty top 100 most shocking moments on channel 5. And whilst they fade in the public's memory, the songs won't. They'll be played again and again and again. Because good music never goes out off fashion.
So as we moan about how we're sick of hearing about her, how they shouldn't let her kids near her and blah blah blah - let's not forget the music, after all, that's the only reason we're interested in her in the first place.
'Baby... one more time' is one of the most, if not the most, important pop song of our generation, and since then the hits have come thick and fast. Right up until the present day, where 'Piece of Me' comes on in a club people go wild for it - people may be sick to death of hearing about her - but they aren't sick of listening to her just yet. In my opinion her most recent album 'Blackout' has been her best to date. How exactly she managed to record this album, packed full of sizzling RnB anthems, whilst she was busy having a full time breakdown is a mystery that will intrigue popologists until the dawn of time, but this doesn't mean we shouldn't aknowledge it.
The third cut off the album 'Break the ice' will be released next month, and the video (which you can check out on youtube) is all in japanese animation. And we all know why. In it, we see an animated version of the Britney we all wish was still with us, fighting some bad guys in order to prevent an inevitable explosion. Perhaps intended to symbolise her contstant struggle against the media and those around her who control her. Or maybe a cop out so that she doesn't have to hit the gym, wash her hair and toss out a dance routine for the video herself. People will no doubt scrutinize it, but amongst the critisisms and speculations they will forgot to judge the song, which I predict will be burning up dancefloors within weeks.
To me Britney is still as relevant to music as she is to the tabloids. Any artist who can take the phenomenal interest that the world has in her and put the pain and frustration that comes with it fearlessly into her songs is creating the soundtrack to a fame hungry society - and isn't holding anything back.
"I'm Mrs Most likely to get on the TV for slipping on the street when getting the groceries, for real - are you kidding me? No wonder there's panic in this industry I mean please... do you want a piece of me?"
You tell 'em Brit.
One day the events that trail Britney's tragic life will be a thing of the past, saved only for those shitty top 100 most shocking moments on channel 5. And whilst they fade in the public's memory, the songs won't. They'll be played again and again and again. Because good music never goes out off fashion.
So as we moan about how we're sick of hearing about her, how they shouldn't let her kids near her and blah blah blah - let's not forget the music, after all, that's the only reason we're interested in her in the first place.
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Social Suicide Part 2
Rule 1)
"Oh my God, last night was amazing! You should've been there, I was fucked, I drank-- (and here comes the social suicide) -- a bottle of wine, three double vodka and cokes, four shots of sambuka then on the way home had half a bottle of lambrini!!"
What exactly is it that these people are trying to prove? Are you trying to impress people? I don't find the list of things that you drank last night remotely impressive or interesting, in fact, I'm suspicious of how someone who claims to have drank so much and was "sooooo wasted" managed to recall every drink so vividly. I often think that if the night really was so amazing, then the things you'd be telling me about the next day would be funny drunken stories or mortifying recollections of the minger you pulled, not a step by step commentary through what you fucking drank.
Rule 2)
In my eyes, and in the eyes of all right thinking members of society, it is not acceptable for students to speak to lecturers unless the situation is completley unavoidable e.g. when asking a question that can not be found on the university website or when they speak to you first and there is no means of escape. Even then the conversation should never drift into personal territory where people ask (and I've seen it happen) "how was your weekend?" Cringe.
There are certain people who seem to make it their aim in life to befriend ageing teachers. They often laugh when the teacher makes a joke, which is mortifying not only because it makes them look like a geek, but also because it encourages the lecturer to continue attempting to inject "humour" into classes. They can only be identified by their ankles as the rest of their body is normally so far up their tutor's arse that they can no longer be seen.
Often they will have started a facebook group of appreciation to one of their 'favourite lecturers'. Joining such a group makes you part of the issue. These people need to be left alone, you can't help them until they realise that they have a problem.
Rule 3)
Technically, I am a man. However, being a gay man I tend to stereotypically identify more with a woman's mind than a mans'. I like Sex and the City and I don't like Top Gear. I enjoy the workings of Britney Spears and Madonna whereas the Red Hot Chilli Peppers bore me senseless. These kinds of differences are fine, variety is the spice of life. However, there is one example of men's behaviour that simply baffles me and makes me slightly ashamed to be a (kind of) man.
This behaviour is that on a night out, men find it highly hilarious to expose either their penises or their arses in public. Make no mistake, this is social suicide. Now, I'm no prude, there is a time and a place for a comedy flash or streak. Any sporting event, a library or even an exam if you're feeling particularily daring. All amusing, done with the right amount of style.
But eight times a night having to smile politley at the same fool who still thinks its funny to get his cock out in a bar can become tiring, particularily when the men that do this are never very attractive and the penises are never anything to write home about. If you have an especially impressively sized wang then by all means, show the world - it might get you a pull (or a criminal record) but please, if you are cursed with a cocktail sausage and you've had a few too many - try your best to keep it in. It just means that your personality is so bad you've had to resort to genitals to be interesting. Never something to be proud of.
Rule 4)
I touched upon the fact that I'm gay earlier, something which I'm proud to admit as gays have done a lot for the world. We made the theatre what it is, set the bar for good fashion and without us Princess Diana's funeral would've been quite the snoozefest (cheers Elton). This is why it annoys me when people are gay and can not admit it. I understand that it is difficult, I myself went through a phase of, ooh... I'd say about 5 minutes of denial before I realised it was too much like hard work. If you truly can't bring yourself to come out as the raging homo you are, then kindly cover it up well by firstly, not being camp, and secondly, not having sex with men.
It sounds ridiculous but many a time I've been in the company of a straight man who insists that he's not 'a fag' before he comes over to the dark side.
They usually follow a standard routine. It starts off with them saying, "You know, if you were a girl I definatley would."
Then they usually instigate some variety of play fight, very homo erotic. This allows them to have the man on man contact they so secretly crave under the guise of manly wrestling.
Before you know it, someone's getting rimmed (sorry to readers who find this offensive but shit happens).
You can spot a closet gay a mile off. They won't make eye contact with out gay men and usually pretend to have a problem with it, they constantly point out which women they would do but never seem to gte round to actually doing any of them. They lost their virginity on holiday when they were 16 to a really pretty girl but there were no witnesses to this.
Keep an eye out. And then send them my number (kidding!)
Rule 5)
It is social suicide to create a blog then write regular posts telling people how they should behave. Who the fuck do people like this think they--- oops...
"Oh my God, last night was amazing! You should've been there, I was fucked, I drank-- (and here comes the social suicide) -- a bottle of wine, three double vodka and cokes, four shots of sambuka then on the way home had half a bottle of lambrini!!"
What exactly is it that these people are trying to prove? Are you trying to impress people? I don't find the list of things that you drank last night remotely impressive or interesting, in fact, I'm suspicious of how someone who claims to have drank so much and was "sooooo wasted" managed to recall every drink so vividly. I often think that if the night really was so amazing, then the things you'd be telling me about the next day would be funny drunken stories or mortifying recollections of the minger you pulled, not a step by step commentary through what you fucking drank.
Rule 2)
In my eyes, and in the eyes of all right thinking members of society, it is not acceptable for students to speak to lecturers unless the situation is completley unavoidable e.g. when asking a question that can not be found on the university website or when they speak to you first and there is no means of escape. Even then the conversation should never drift into personal territory where people ask (and I've seen it happen) "how was your weekend?" Cringe.
There are certain people who seem to make it their aim in life to befriend ageing teachers. They often laugh when the teacher makes a joke, which is mortifying not only because it makes them look like a geek, but also because it encourages the lecturer to continue attempting to inject "humour" into classes. They can only be identified by their ankles as the rest of their body is normally so far up their tutor's arse that they can no longer be seen.
Often they will have started a facebook group of appreciation to one of their 'favourite lecturers'. Joining such a group makes you part of the issue. These people need to be left alone, you can't help them until they realise that they have a problem.
Rule 3)
Technically, I am a man. However, being a gay man I tend to stereotypically identify more with a woman's mind than a mans'. I like Sex and the City and I don't like Top Gear. I enjoy the workings of Britney Spears and Madonna whereas the Red Hot Chilli Peppers bore me senseless. These kinds of differences are fine, variety is the spice of life. However, there is one example of men's behaviour that simply baffles me and makes me slightly ashamed to be a (kind of) man.
This behaviour is that on a night out, men find it highly hilarious to expose either their penises or their arses in public. Make no mistake, this is social suicide. Now, I'm no prude, there is a time and a place for a comedy flash or streak. Any sporting event, a library or even an exam if you're feeling particularily daring. All amusing, done with the right amount of style.
But eight times a night having to smile politley at the same fool who still thinks its funny to get his cock out in a bar can become tiring, particularily when the men that do this are never very attractive and the penises are never anything to write home about. If you have an especially impressively sized wang then by all means, show the world - it might get you a pull (or a criminal record) but please, if you are cursed with a cocktail sausage and you've had a few too many - try your best to keep it in. It just means that your personality is so bad you've had to resort to genitals to be interesting. Never something to be proud of.
Rule 4)
I touched upon the fact that I'm gay earlier, something which I'm proud to admit as gays have done a lot for the world. We made the theatre what it is, set the bar for good fashion and without us Princess Diana's funeral would've been quite the snoozefest (cheers Elton). This is why it annoys me when people are gay and can not admit it. I understand that it is difficult, I myself went through a phase of, ooh... I'd say about 5 minutes of denial before I realised it was too much like hard work. If you truly can't bring yourself to come out as the raging homo you are, then kindly cover it up well by firstly, not being camp, and secondly, not having sex with men.
It sounds ridiculous but many a time I've been in the company of a straight man who insists that he's not 'a fag' before he comes over to the dark side.
They usually follow a standard routine. It starts off with them saying, "You know, if you were a girl I definatley would."
Then they usually instigate some variety of play fight, very homo erotic. This allows them to have the man on man contact they so secretly crave under the guise of manly wrestling.
Before you know it, someone's getting rimmed (sorry to readers who find this offensive but shit happens).
You can spot a closet gay a mile off. They won't make eye contact with out gay men and usually pretend to have a problem with it, they constantly point out which women they would do but never seem to gte round to actually doing any of them. They lost their virginity on holiday when they were 16 to a really pretty girl but there were no witnesses to this.
Keep an eye out. And then send them my number (kidding!)
Rule 5)
It is social suicide to create a blog then write regular posts telling people how they should behave. Who the fuck do people like this think they--- oops...
Monday, 10 March 2008
Long live the Queen (of Pop)
I distinctly remember being about 5 years old, in the conservatory in my childhood home. The sun was blaring through the windows and my Mum was ironing as I sat on the couch near her. 'Like a prayer' by Madonna was on the radio, and I was fascinated. I started asking my Mum questions about the woman behind the song. She didn't realise it would be the beginning of an obsession that is still with me today. Ever since being entranced by the seductive blend of ecstatic gospel and sensual catchy pop I have wanted to know more about her. The woman who has been called the queen of pop, a whore, an icon, the worst actress in the world, a sex goddess, the 'material girl', Madge (both of which she hates), Mrs Penn and Mrs Ritchie. Love her or hate her, you can not fail to know who she is.
This summer, Madonna will turn 50, but is not about to get out the cardigans and boiled sweets just yet. Not if her new album, due out on April 28th is anything to go by. There has been a lot of coverage in the press about the fact Madonna is working with Timbaland, Justin, Pharrell and Kanye West on her new album - to be called Hard Candy. Madonna goes Urban? Little do most of the writers realise that back in the early 80s when Madonna's first demos were getting played on new York's club scene - everyone thought Madonna was a black artist. Tracks like 'Borderline' could just have easily come from a Motown artist than from the woman who was to release 'Like a Virgin' only years later when she became a mega star. Madonna was making RnB music when Timbaland was still in nappies. Yet people are surprised by the fact she wants her new album to have to hottest producers around giving her the slickest beats. Whenever there is wind of a new Madonna project, the critics usually start sharpening the knives hoping this will be the album they can sink them into.
She's going electro?! It'll never work.
Madonna takes on Catholisism? She'll be crucified!
A leotard on a 47 year old... She's mad!
Yet every time she proves them wrong, and I have no doubt that with Hard Candy she will prove that she is capable of working with the likes of Timbaland and Justin without sounding like a granny at a rap battle.
I've heard a cheeky exclusive of the first cut off the album '4 minutes' - a relentlessly pounding duet with Mr Timberlake that has them saving the world to exactly 4 minutes of Timbalands' trademark beats and the unmistakeable tones of the Queen herself. It will race to number one in April, and if it doesn't then I will run naked around Sheffield City Centre (which means that anyone in Sheffield who reads this blog will no doubt be panic buying now when it hits shops).
I spend about 40% of my life defending Madonna against a generation that doesn't understand the influence she's had on music, on pop culture, on race relations and on feminism.
This is why I can't wait for Hard Candy to drive its way into the ipods and playlists of the youth of today, so I can stop hearing everyone talk about how crap Madonna is and start to realise how amazing it is that a woman has captivated the world for a quarter of a century. Failing that, it looks like I'm going to have to get my streaking boots on. Let's hope it's a warm April...
This summer, Madonna will turn 50, but is not about to get out the cardigans and boiled sweets just yet. Not if her new album, due out on April 28th is anything to go by. There has been a lot of coverage in the press about the fact Madonna is working with Timbaland, Justin, Pharrell and Kanye West on her new album - to be called Hard Candy. Madonna goes Urban? Little do most of the writers realise that back in the early 80s when Madonna's first demos were getting played on new York's club scene - everyone thought Madonna was a black artist. Tracks like 'Borderline' could just have easily come from a Motown artist than from the woman who was to release 'Like a Virgin' only years later when she became a mega star. Madonna was making RnB music when Timbaland was still in nappies. Yet people are surprised by the fact she wants her new album to have to hottest producers around giving her the slickest beats. Whenever there is wind of a new Madonna project, the critics usually start sharpening the knives hoping this will be the album they can sink them into.
She's going electro?! It'll never work.
Madonna takes on Catholisism? She'll be crucified!
A leotard on a 47 year old... She's mad!
Yet every time she proves them wrong, and I have no doubt that with Hard Candy she will prove that she is capable of working with the likes of Timbaland and Justin without sounding like a granny at a rap battle.
I've heard a cheeky exclusive of the first cut off the album '4 minutes' - a relentlessly pounding duet with Mr Timberlake that has them saving the world to exactly 4 minutes of Timbalands' trademark beats and the unmistakeable tones of the Queen herself. It will race to number one in April, and if it doesn't then I will run naked around Sheffield City Centre (which means that anyone in Sheffield who reads this blog will no doubt be panic buying now when it hits shops).
I spend about 40% of my life defending Madonna against a generation that doesn't understand the influence she's had on music, on pop culture, on race relations and on feminism.
This is why I can't wait for Hard Candy to drive its way into the ipods and playlists of the youth of today, so I can stop hearing everyone talk about how crap Madonna is and start to realise how amazing it is that a woman has captivated the world for a quarter of a century. Failing that, it looks like I'm going to have to get my streaking boots on. Let's hope it's a warm April...
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